How to let go when you love to be in control
Relax. Chill out. Let go. Loosen your grip. Take it down a notch.
Have you ever felt like you “should” do these things? Like maybe you would be a little happier if you could just calm down a bit?
But how are you supposed to relax when the house isn’t clean, or your inbox is filling up, or you need to figure out what to feed your family for the next seven days?
Wouldn’t you feel better if you checked some things off your to-do list instead of meditating for 30 minutes?
Control is compelling
If you’re like me, there is a very seductive, very convincing part of your brain that always says YES! You WILL feel better if you keep pushing, keep doing, keep striving, keep up with everything. You CAN’T stop now, or else you’ll be even further underwater later, plus you’ll be more tired later, so you should just do it now and then maybe you’ll be able to sleep through the night (but not really because there will be so many emails to compose in your head at 3am).
Sound familiar?
It’s natural to love the control-oriented part of your mind. It has probably gotten you pretty far in life. Straight A’s, gold medals, promotions, etc. But has it taught you how to love yourself? How to feel safe in your body? How to meaningfully wind down at the end of the day so that you can get deep rest? That’s a hard no. This part of your mind is decidedly NOT good at any of those things. So why is it the loudest voice in your head? Why is it the one you keep listening to?
How to let go
Taking a step back from over-control can have a profound impact on your entire life and can drastically improve your relationship with yourself and others. This is not an exaggeration.
But HOW do you do it? The honest, complete answer to that could fill an entire volume of books. It could fill a decade’s worth of therapy sessions. But we don’t need to have it all figured out for you to start. Here are a few simple practices that you can try if you’re just beginning to learn how to let go of control.
Let go of bodily tension. Turning your focus to the body instead of the mind is, for many people, a more accessible entry point into the world of surrender. When you’re lying in bed at night, see if you can release the muscles of your scalp, then your forehead, around your eyes, your lips, and your jaw. Move down to the front and back of your neck and your throat. Then keep going down your body. Focus on the sensation of heaviness that comes with this type of relaxation. If muscles re-tense themselves (which is totally normal), let go again. You’ll probably be asleep by the time you hit your torso.
Try hypnosis. Many people misunderstand what hypnosis is, or get scared off from it because of stage demonstrations where people are clucking like chickens. A core facet of clinical hypnosis is to allow the thinking/judging/controlling part of the mind to take a break, while giving you time to dwell in the deeper, calmer, more fluid parts of your mind. It can be extremely relaxing. While working with a certified hypnotherapist one-on-one is highly valuable, there are also tons of high-quality options freely available through resources like YouTube or Insight Timer. Here are a couple good YouTube channels to explore.
Stop, breathe, be. This is a technique that I learned in a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction course that was incredibly helpful to me. It works just like it sounds. At various points throughout the day, stop what you’re doing, take a single, complete breath (inhale and exhale), and expand your frame of reference to what is happening around you. Maybe that means hearing the ambient sounds. Or noticing sensations in your body. If you’re eating, you could really taste your food. This practice can be especially impactful if you use it at a time when you’re feeling frantic (e.g., between meetings, while rushing to pick up your kids from school). That’s because no matter how rushed you feel, you actually do have time to take one single breath and notice your surroundings. The controlling part of your brain is probably starting to argue with me after reading that sentence, and that’s ok. Just let it ride as you stop, breathe, and be.
Unlearning takes time
Whatever you choose, consistent practice over time is the key to making a measurable impact. You’ve likely been feeding the control monster for almost as long as you’ve been alive, especially if you were a high-achieving child from whom much was expected. You’re not going to undo that through a few half-hearted attempts at relaxation. In fact, I wouldn’t even recommend focusing on UNDOING that part of the brain, because it will fight with you harder if you directly try to undermine it. Instead, I would think about it as gently refocusing on something else, over here, in this other place. That will be less threatening to a system that is designed to be on the lookout for threat.
The most important thing is that you allow yourself to start, imperfectly, and to keep going even though it will be hard for you. That is the true practice.
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The content shared here is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. Always seek advice from your physician or other qualified healthcare provider before making changes to your health regimen.
